Staying Calm with Difficult People
Do you have someone in your life who makes you feel negative?
Maybe they are constantly feeling negative about their own life and complaining to you about it.
Or maybe they don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. You may wish your best friend would take more initiative to arrange some of your get togethers. Or that your spouse would say, “I love you” a little more often. Or that your kids would listen the 1st time (or even the 5th time).
In this blog, you’ll learn why you wish they’d behave differently and exactly what to do when they don’t.
The Manual
I want to introduce you to a concept called the “Manual.” Most of us have Manuals for others in some form. A Manual is simply a set of things we want someone to do, so that we can feel better.
Your Manual for someone describes how you wish that person would think, feel or act, so that you can feel loved, confident and happy. (As opposed to creating your own self-confidence and happiness, which isn’t tethered to their actions.)
Why Manuals are problematic
There are 3 problems with having a Manual for the people in your life:
You reflect others’ negative emotion: When you tie your emotions to others, you become a mirror of what’s happening around you. When someone is upset in your presence, you get upset too. Take this example: Have you ever been co-parenting with your spouse, and they start getting frustrated with the kids? Then, when you see their frustration, you start getting frustrated with your spouse for being frustrated? If your Manual says, “My husband should be more patient with the kids!” then you will probably become a version of yourself that you don’t like when he’s patient.
You’re misdiagnosing the problem: Your feelings come from your thoughts. If you’re feeling anger towards someone, it’s because you’re thinking an angry thought, like, “He shouldn’t do that!” If you take the time to become aware of your own thoughts, you’ll realize that you can change your emotional response by changing your thoughts. (Imagine how you might feel and act differently towards your husband if you were thinking, “He is struggling and needs some space to cool down.”)
You ask those you love to be different than they are: Have you ever felt pressured to be someone that you’re not? To be more social, when all you feel like doing is sitting alone with a good book? (I know, I know. You probably haven’t read a single book since your kids were born. But hey, we can fantasize, right?) It’s like that. Having a Manual for someone else asks them to be different than they are, so we can feel better.
Feeling better around difficult people
I recommend a 2-step process for feeling better around difficult people.
Generate compassion for the other person. Wait! Don’t be angry with me! I’m not on their side, I promise. I only care about your well-being. Here’s the thing - I know that you will feel better when you feel compassion, instead of the pain and anger you’re feeling now. Plus, when you are in a place of compassion, you’ll be more able to think clearly and respond strategically to their actions.
Decide who you want to be in response. You cannot control someone else’s actions. But, you can control how you respond. Often this is something that is best decided on after you’ve had a confrontation. Once you’ve had time to calm down, pull out a journal to reflect on the experience. Ask yourself, “What is the outcome I would want in that situation? What could I do that would help me get that outcome?” When you focus on what’s within your control, you’ll feel calmer and get better outcomes.
Ridiculously powerful questions to ask yourself
If you have a difficult relationship in your life, go grab a pen and paper. Seriously, right now. Write down answers to the questions below. It will be a baby step towards releasing your Manual and finding emotional freedom.
What do you wish this person would do differently? What’s your Manual for them?
Why?
Why do you think they behave the way they do?
How do you imagine they are thinking and feeling?
How could you think about this person’s behaviour, if you wanted to feel compassionate, instead of upset?
How do you want to act the next time they don’t follow your Manual?
How do you need to think about this person’s behaviour, in order to do that?
Book a free coffee chat
Could you use a little support to get through this rut, Mama? Let’s have coffee.
During a free, virtual coffee chat, we’ll talk about your unique situation and figure out:
What’s not working
What you want instead
The pathway to get there
From there, we can explore whether Creating Me offers the right tools to help you reach your goal. And if we don’t, I’ll connect you with other resources that might fit better.