We love and hate ‘good mom’ stereotypes
Research suggests that many working moms:
Accept that they will contribute more than their partner to household responsibilities, including arranging childcare.
Take pride in their role as a working mom and unequal homemaker.
This is according to a study by Dr. Patrice Buzzanell (University of South Florida) and her colleagues. They interviewed 11 female managers with kids, to understand how these women thought and felt about themselves as working mothers.
The love-hate relationship with ‘good mom’ stereotypes
Researchers point out that traditionally, society touts a good mom as someone who “is present for her children, nurtures and cares for others, subverts her own needs to those of her family, and (presumably) does not prioritize work over family.”
Yet, when women try to build ambitious careers while conforming to this norm, they end up exhausted. They also end up feeling guilty for not performing better in both arenas.
What I found really interesting about this study, however, is that while these mother-managers certainly expressed frustration at feeling like they carry more weight in their homelife, they also expressed a sense of pride in their role.
This is one manifestation of what I see as a ‘love-hate’ relationship with social norms. On one hand, we hate the expectations put on us. On the other hand, we get a dose of pride from conforming to those societal expectations. (No wonder moms often feel so conflicted about whether they are ‘good enough’!)
My life on autopilot
I totally get it. Most of my life, I worked to be the A student, the sports team captain, the valedictorian, the driven Masters student, the top employee. And it was always so validating to have people congratulate me for meeting their gold standard.
But as I pushed hard to achieve these goals, I didn’t often ask, “Is this what I authentically want?” I operated more on autopilot.
If you’re like the women in this study – taking pride in excelling at the social norm, but kinda resenting it too – you might be doing the same thing. Chasing the gold star, instead of following your inner compass.
‘Good mom’ is subjective
There is no objective definition of the ‘right way’ to be a working mom. You get to decide.
In my past life, I worked at the Ivey Business School. I vividly remember the day that I met Sharon Hodgson, who was being onboarded as our new Dean. All the staff had congregated in our auditorium and as Sharon was being introduced, her CV amazed me.
She’d been a senior executive at huge companies, including IBM and PwC. She’d also worked all around the world as a consultant, leading major change projects at huge companies, like Nestle.
During the Q&A period, my curious and soul-searching self put up my hand and asked, “Sharon, you’ve achieved so much in your career! What advice do you have for other women seeking to balance successful careers and family life?”
She responded, “I don’t know what makes you think my life has been balanced. When we had children, my husband quit working and took on the role of primary caregiver for the kids. He was, and still is, a much better caregiver than me. Thank goodness for him.”
I loved the strength with which she owned her deviation from the stereotype.
I think it’s equally amazing when a woman decides to pause her career and stay home with her kids. Or when she decides to get a government job, so she can work 35 hours/week and go home to her family.
The best choice isn’t about how it looks from the outside, or how well it conforms to social norms. It’s about the awareness and authenticity with which the choice is made.
What if social expectations were irrelevant?
What if you stopped making your decision according to perceived social norms?
What if you decided those norms said nothing about what was truly best for your life?
What if, instead, you lived by your values? By what you know is true for you.
You have to give up the gold star
Here’s the kicker, though. In order stop feeling pressured to conform, you must also stop taking pride in conforming. Chasing gold stars will keep you chasing someone else’s dream. You must decide to be proud of being different – of being you – instead of being the same.
Food for thought…
This article is inspired by the findings the following research study:
Patrice M. Buzzanell, Rebecca Meisenbach, Robyn Remke, Meina Liu, Venessa Bowers & Cindy Conn (2005) The Good Working Mother: Managerial Women’s Sensemaking and Feelings About Work–Family Issues, Communication Studies, 56:3, 261-285
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