Setting Healthy Boundaries
You’ve probably heard me talk about the importance of owning your own feelings and actions around other people.
When we tie our emotions to other people’s actions, we give those people control over our lives. Our feelings and actions become tethered to their behaviour, which can leave us feeling like we’re on an emotional rollercoaster. (This blog describes how to hop off that rollercoaster.)
BUT… This doesn’t mean you have to accept all the uncool behaviours that some people dish out. Setting boundaries is a really critical part of self-care and building authentic relationships.
What I want to offer, though, is that healthy boundaries look a little different than you may have seen modelled in the past.
Healthy boundaries have 5 ground rules
Set from a place of love and compassion: There are two places from which you can set boundaries: (a) anger towards the other person or (b) love and compassion towards the other person. Both can result in the same boundary, but you will feel SO much better if you are feeling love and compassion. And you’ll implement the boundary in a way that better aligns with the person you want to be, because you won’t be exploding with anger.
State what you will do if the boundary is violated: You physically cannot control what others do. So, if you set a boundary that attempts to change someone else’s behaviour, you will fail every time. They have 100% responsibility for their behaviour and you have 100% responsibility for yours. This means that your boundary must state what you will do if another person violates the boundary.
Can be spoken or unspoken: In some cases, you may want to tell others about your boundary. For example, if your spouse has a temper, you could tell them, “If you get angry during our conversation, I will leave the room and we can talk again once you’ve had a chance to calm down.” But in other cases, you may not want to share it. For example, if you don’t want to be around people who are doing drugs, you might choose not to make a proclamation. You can just leave the room (or the party) when the drugs come out.
You must follow through: You implicitly tell others how to treat you, based on how you behave. If you find it disruptive to respond to your personal messages during work hours, but you continue to do so, then you set the expectation for your loved ones that you will be responsive 100% of the time. If you’d like to set boundaries on when and how you’ll use your time, you have to follow through in action.
You don’t need boundaries often: If you have truly done your own work to disentangle your emotions from other people’s actions, you won’t need to implement boundaries as often as you’d think. Quite often, the reason we think we need a boundary is to protect our feelings. But if we protect our own feelings, then we can reserve our boundaries for protecting our physical well-being or aligning with our values.
Let’s look at an example that most working moms have grappled with at some point: boundaries with a boss.
Example: The demanding boss
Do you have a boss who works long hours? Who lives and breathes the job? Who wants you to do the same?
Do you want to go home at 5 pm and be with your family, without worrying about checking email at the dinner table? Do you want to actually go to actually go to bed at 9 pm, instead of working once the kids are asleep?
Many women find themselves at this inflection point once they have kids. Maybe you didn’t mind – or even thrived – on the long hours before you had kids. But your priorities are shifting.
In this case, you’ll need to set a boundary. Here’s what it might look like:
Compassion for your boss
Let’s be honest. It’s totally understandable that your boss wants you to answer email in the evenings. If her job is her world, that’s going to be the lens through which she thinks about work.
Let’s turn it around for a sec. Think about the last time that you were all in on a family project. Maybe you were planning your family’s summer vacations, and your spouse was happy to come along but wasn’t interest researching tourist attractions. Were you annoyed? (It’s OK! Zero judgement!) But it’s like that. Of course, we want those around us to share our passions. But it doesn’t mean they have to.
Decide what you will do
OK, so we can totally understand why your boss wants you to work in the evening. But you don’t have to. Ever. You get to decide what you will do with your evenings. You are the boss of your time.
Here are a couple of boundaries you might consider setting:
If my boss emails me after 5 pm, I will respond first thing in the morning.
If my boss says that she is unhappy with my responsiveness and it’s a requirement of the job to be more responsive, I will choose to find a job that better aligns with my scheduling needs.
In either of these cases, you could talk to your boss about the boundary, or not. If you do decide to talk to her, that compassion will come in handy. You’ll be able to have a calmer, more amicable conversation, than if you’re feeling angry.
Consider the difference between these conversations:
From anger: “I’m tired of the expectation that I work evenings. That’s my only time with my family!”
From compassion: “I can totally understand why you’d like me to be responsive in the evenings, but I find it too hard to be present with my family when I do that. I’d be happy check email first thing in the mornings and respond to urgent requests.”
See? She can keep being who she is and you can still honour your boundary. That, Mama, is true power.
Book a free coffee chat
Could you use a little support to get through this rut, Mama? Let’s have coffee.
During a free, virtual coffee chat, we’ll talk about your unique situation and figure out:
What’s not working
What you want instead
The pathway to get there
From there, we can explore whether Creating Me offers the right tools to help you reach your goal. And if we don’t, I’ll connect you with other resources that might fit better.