Why Kids Misbehave and How to Stop It
Is your kid kinda a jerk sometimes?
It’s OK. No judgement. Most moms think it, even if they don’t say it.
Do you ever wonder why your child insists that they can’t dress themselves, even though you’ve seen them do it a thousand times? Or why they say, “You’re not the boss of me!” when you ask them to have a shower? Or why they stare you in the eye and laugh when you raise your voice and tell them to go to their room?
The answer is actually simpler than you think. Anytime your child misbehaves, they are trying to feel a sense of belonging or significance. (This idea comes from the field of Positive Discipline, which is grounded in child psychology.)
The need to belong
All humans are wired to crave social belonging. We want to feel accepted and loved. At one point, being an accepted part of the herd kept us safe from predators, so our brains evolved to experience pleasure from belonging to a group.
Your child wants to feel socially connected. For younger children, attention from their parents is especially important.
If your child is feeling attention-deprived, you’ll start to see attention-seeking behaviours. A great example is the child who insists they can’t get dressed or tie their shoes, even when you know they can.
What’s interesting is that children can feel attention deprived even if they are with you all day. What matters is whether they feel connected, not the actual amount of time you spend together.
When you start seeing needy, attention-seeking behaviours, try to imagine that your child is wearing a sign around their neck saying, “I’m craving a sense of belonging.” You’ll feel more patient and be better equipped to address the root cause of the misbehaviour.
The need for significance
A child will feel “significant” if they believe they are capable and powerful. They want to believe that they are competent, have a meaningful contribution to make, and have the autonomy to make their own choices. (Who doesn’t want those things? Human needs are universal!)
A child feeling power-deprived will steal doses of power through misbehaviour. A great example is the child who stares you in the eye and says, “you can’t make me.” Each time they put their foot down, or make you angry, they get a hit of power.
When you notice yourself in a power struggle with your child, try to imagine that he or she is wearing a sign around their neck saying, “I’m craving more significance.”
A long-term solution: Special time
A powerful solution for reducing all misbehaviours is to spend 10 minutes per day of “special time” with each of your kids. Special time is 1-1 time between you and your child, doing an activity of their choosing.
Your undivided attention gives them a huge sense of belonging, and your willingness to let them dictate the activity gives them sense of power. When you proactively fill their bucket with belonging and significance in a positive way, they’ll have less need to seek these things through misbehaviour.
When you do special time regularly, should see a decline in misbehaviour within just a few days.
Tips for making special time work
For working moms – including me – 10 minutes per day, per child can feel like a lot. Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from doing what you can.
Here are a few tips for making special time work in your busy life:
Sneak it into daily routines. For example, try modifying your bedtime routine to sneak in 10 minutes of special time.
Use car rides. For example, if you’re taking your son to learn-to-skate, ask him to choose his favourite car-friendly game, like “eye-spy” or “guess the number I’m thinking.”
Label it: Whenever you do special time, make sure your child knows it’s happening. When you start, say, “I’m so excited to spend some special time with you. What do you want to play?” When you’re done, say, “I really enjoyed our special time. Thanks for playing with me.” Their bucket will only feel full if they register what’s happening.
Modify as needed: Don’t avoid special time because you can’t do it daily. Doing special time 4 days/week is much better than not doing it at all.
Try it. Ten minutes/day for 7 days. You’ll enjoy the process and be surprised by how your kid may suddenly be less of a jerk.
Book a free coffee chat
Could you use a little support to get through this rut, Mama? Let’s have coffee.
During a free, virtual coffee chat, we’ll talk about your unique situation and figure out:
What’s not working
What you want instead
The pathway to get there
From there, we can explore whether Creating Me offers the right tools to help you reach your goal. And if we don’t, I’ll connect you with other resources that might fit better.