How to Feel Better
Motherhood is FULL of big emotions.
Sometimes you feel so much love you think your heart might explode. Other times, you feel so much overwhelm you can hardly think straight!
How feelings are made
Did you know what all those feelings have in common? They are created from within YOU.
Feelings are not automatically triggered by something outside you, even though it can feel that way. They are generated by thoughts you have.
For example, if your 1-year-old pulls all the Tupperware out of the cupboard, you might:
Feel frustrated because you think, “I clean up these dishes 12 times/day!!”
Feel amused because you think, “I love how he is so active and curious.”
Or, perhaps your boss asks if you can work late tonight, but it’s your mom’s birthday dinner. You might:
Feel pressure because you’re thinking, “I should say yes.”
Feel calm because you’re thinking, “This is a no brainer. Family first.”
Thoughts are simply sentences in your mind, by which you interpret yourself, others and the world. And choosing your thoughts intentionally is the key to managing your emotions.
How to feel better
If you take away just one idea from this blog, make it this: Choose thoughts that serve you.
Your thoughts are the GPS coordinates for your life. When you go on a road trip, you start by programming your GPS with the address of your destination. That gives you the direction you need to get there. It’s the same for your life. Programming your brain with intentional thoughts is critical because your thoughts create your feelings, which in turn drive your actions.
Consider this example
My daughter went through a phase where she insisted that she needed my help to get dressed. In the beginning, my default thought was, “My daughter is needy,” which made me feel really annoyed. And when I feel annoyed, I’m not a very pleasant person. I’d say to her, “It’s not my job to dress you. You can do it yourself.”
During one of our sessions, my own coach pointed out that I was stuck in the trap of being annoyed because I was choosing to think that my daughter was needy. At first, I struggled with this idea. (“You’ve clearly never met my daughter,” I thought).
Next, my coach helped me find a new thought: “My daughter is craving my attention.” Once we came up with that thought, I knew instantly that it was true. I’d just never thought to look at it that way. In an instant, I felt more empathetic, and from that place, I was able to think of a solution to satisfy her need for attention, without slowing down my morning routine.
OK, your turn
If you’re stuck in an emotional rut that you don’t like, feeling better is a two-step process:
Separate the facts from the thoughts (this will make your unconscious thoughts visible)
Choose more useful thoughts.
Step 1: Separate facts and thoughts
Your circumstances are the facts of your life. Your thoughts are the sentences in your brain about those facts. Being able to truly separate the two is critical to empowering yourself.
Here are a few examples to help you see the difference.
FACT: My boss says, “This report isn’t what I hoped for.”
YOUR THOUGHT: “I suck at my job.”
FACT: I have stretch marks.
THOUGHT: “Having kids destroyed my body".”
FACT: My son says, “I don’t want broccoli. I want pasta.”
THOUGHT: He doesn’t appreciate my cooking!
When you’re stuck in an emotion or an action you don’t like, the first step is to identify the underlying thoughts that are creating your negative emotion. From there, you can can decide whether to change.
Step 2: Choose more useful thoughts
Once you find the thoughts that are keeping you stuck, you’ll need to come up with a more empowering way to think about your circumstance. You can’t control most of what goes on in your life, but you can control how you think, feel and act in response.
It’s hard to pull a new thought out of thin air, so I like to work backwards from a goal. In the example with my daughter, I could decide that I want to feel empathetic instead of annoyed, then find a thought to make me feel empathetic.
Or, maybe there’s a particular action you want to take. That was the case for me. I didn’t want to dress my daughter, but I did want to meet her need for attention. So, I worked backwards by asking:
“What action could I take that would give her attention, without getting her dressed?”
“What feeling would motivate me to take that action?”
“How would I need to think, in order to feel that way?”
This is NOT positive thinking.
I am not suggesting that you always find warm, fluffy thoughts to think. This is not an exercise in positive thinking. It’s an exercise in intentional thinking.
This work is hard and it’s worth it
This work is challenging for two reasons:
Your thoughts can be hard to see. You will think your thoughts are facts (we all do.)
You will not want to be accountable for your feelings. In the long-term, it leads to emotional freedom, but in the short-term, it means you have to stop blaming your husband, your child or your boss for making you feel a certain way. That’s tough.
But your efforts will payback 10-fold. Once you learn the skill of owning your own emotions, you’ll never stay stuck again.
A 10-minute exercise to get you started
I created a 10-minute reflection exercise to help you apply this concept. Don’t answer these questions in your head. You actually have to write down the responses.
Think about something you’re struggling with. In your mind, think back to the most recent time this was an issue for you. For example, if you’re struggling with confidence at work, think back to that last email from your boss sent which sent you into a tailspin.
Describe what happened. Get it all out – the good, the bad and the ugly.
Identify the facts. (Hint: If you couldn’t prove it in court, it’s not a fact.)
What are your thoughts about the facts?
How do you want to feel in this situation?
How could you think about the facts to help you feel that way?
Stick your new thought somewhere that you’ll read it often. Reading it regularly will help the new thought become your default.
Book a free coffee chat
Could you use a little support to get through this rut, Mama? Let’s have coffee.
During a free, virtual coffee chat, we’ll talk about your unique situation and figure out:
What’s not working
What you want instead
The pathway to get there
From there, we can explore whether Creating Me offers the right tools to help you reach your goal. And if we don’t, I’ll connect you with other resources that might fit better.